Couples Therapy

Want to know when couples usually end up coming to therapy?

It’s usually after some identifiable incident: lies, loss, trauma, infertility, stress, extended family problems, mental health problems for one or both partners, career or vocational changes, or some other of the many issues that strain and test a relationship.

Most couples like George and Tonya don’t realize that their relationship had some small cracks in its foundation before “the incident.” They spread and expand when external forces take hold and push against the relationship.

Problems with managing conflict and disagreements – every couple fights, right?

True. But sometimes partners aren’t even managing the small stuff effectively. If you can’t handle conversations about who does what around the house, you avoid and push away the bigger questions – like money, children, values, and beliefs.

Getting into those routine ruts – over time, the passion and fire die down. That’s normal, isn’t it?

Sure. People in committed relationships “settle in” and get comfortable. You love each other, but you stop dating and courting one another. It’s easy to lose the emotional connection when life gets in the way. It takes work to maintain rituals of connection and effort to express love. Partners might question, “Do I even love this person anymore? Are we even friends?”

Assumptions and familiarity – after X number of years, you know EVERYTHING about your partner there is to know, right?

Maybe? You might know a lot about your partner, but there may be some things you don’t know. Parts of his/her past, the family of origin, or their changing viewpoints over time might affect some of those same old fights that keep coming back up. If partners take for granted that they FULLY understand each other and where they are coming from, many assumptions and conclusions drawn may not be 100% accurate.

“They’re only saying those things to manipulate me.”
“They don’t love me anymore.”
“They must think I’m so stupid.”
“I’m not even going to bring that up – I know exactly where the conversation is going to go, and I don’t want to go there.”

I begin couples therapy with an in-depth, comprehensive assessment.

By gaining detailed information about the history of your relationship and families – as well as your values and beliefs – I can give you specific feedback and a treatment plan that cuts to the heart of your issues.

This helps us to create a roadmap for couples therapy. By knowing the different places we need to go, we can hone in on your unique needs as a couple in each follow-up session.

Suppose conflict management is a BIG problem for you, but your overall friendship and emotional connection is strong. In that case, we’ll steer sessions toward building practical skills for getting through those disagreements more effectively.

If you’re a couple who can listen to one another and compromise easily, but stress management is creating problems between you, we’ll head toward learning ways to de-stress, talk about emotions more effectively, and supporting each other.

There’s no need to take detours into areas where there aren’t problems. But knowing a couple’s strengths and weaknesses in-depth right from the beginning saves time and takes the guesswork out of each session to follow.

We’ll then move on to that famous first question…

“What brings you to couples therapy?”

From there, we’ll discuss the past and present challenges in your relationship. And we’ll talk about strengths and “the good times,” too! This gives me a complete picture. Relationships are messy, but the mess includes the good along with the bad.

I will also ask each of you what your hopes are for the outcomes of therapy…

“What do you hope to get out of couples therapy?”

Sometimes partners are on the same page: “We want to work on problems and stay together for a long, happy marriage.” Sometimes, they’re not so sure. One might be on the cusp of leaving while the other wants to “at least try” before making that decision. Sometimes both want to end the relationship but want to do so respectfully and honorably.

After this session, I’ll direct you to complete the Gottman Institute’s “Relationship Checkup,” an online assessment tool that will give you a logical structure for understanding committed relationships. You and your partner will complete the questionnaire individually. After it is done, I will receive a full analysis that includes recommendations for areas to address in our follow-up therapy sessions.

Getting to know you and your perspective on the relationship…

That’s what we’ll do together during our next session. We’ll split the session in half, and I’ll meet with each of you individually.

This session is not meant to keep secrets or disclose information that isn’t discussed with the other partner. On the contrary, everything shared in couples therapy may be discussed with both partners in sessions.

So, there are no secrets. Getting to know each of you individually ensures that I fully understand where you are coming from.

The third session is really a big one.

This is the assessment feedback session. Here, I’ll combine your “Relationship Checkup” results with information gleaned from your couples interview and individual sessions to give you clear, specific feedback on the relationship’s health, including areas of strength and weakness.

Together, we will discuss the most important topics we’ll address in your couples therapy experience. Not only will that include your reason for seeking services (“What brings you to counseling today?”), but we’ll also look at your relationship dynamics. What’s the status of your… friendship, romance/intimacy, emotional connection, relationship stressors, trust and commitment, beliefs and values, and more.

We’ll also talk about the goals you’d like to accomplish. This might include processing a traumatic event or stressor, dealing with the aftermath of an affair, improving friendship, reestablishing trust in the relationship, or effectively negotiating conflict and disagreement.

Working through your concerns, step by step…

That’s what we’ll do in each follow-up session.

Sometimes, I’ll help you communicate openly about difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged issues.

Other times, we’ll explore how miscommunication and misunderstanding keep you from seeing eye-to-eye… trapped in power-struggles.

I will also provide concrete, specific skills and techniques to use both during a session and at home to move the relationship forward with respect, appreciation, and positive regard for one another.