Family Therapy

I know the idea of beginning family therapy can be overwhelming.

Often, the logistics of scheduling and getting everyone to the appointment is challenging and overwhelming enough… let alone managing each family member’s emotions and expectations about the process.

As an adult, you might be looking forward to a transformative experience with your family. You could be a little nervous about what cans of worms you might open with the family, but working through the issues is long-overdue, and you’re ready to tackle it.

Kids and teens in the family may feel like they are being punished for something. They’ve been “in trouble” before, and now it’s come to this – getting a stranger involved to tell them all the ways they’ve been wrong. They might feel suspicious that the therapist will ALWAYS side with parents or ONLY believe what the adults have to say.

It can be challenging to get all family members on board with the idea and help them understand therapy’s benefits.

But I make it as easy and convenient as possible!

First of all, I offer family therapy via teletherapy. By scheduling a video appointment, everyone can stay home, and sessions fit more easily into a busy family schedule.

I listen to all voices involved, and I don’t judge. It is OKAY if your 15-year-old is less than thrilled at the idea of family therapy, and it’s okay if he tells me that directly! There’s nothing to feel embarrassed about as a parent when he says this. He’s not misbehaving by sharing his feelings. I’ll validate that it’s not easy when it wasn’t your choice and help him find ways to make the most of the time he has.

I will use language that is easy for everyone to understand. Adults in therapy speak differently than kids. I will talk on their level to “get” what’s going on and how they fit into helping their family grow and change.

We will set ground rules together! This is so important for creating safety and trust with every family member. Everyone gets a say in how we treat each other in the session. So, we will create a list of ground rules and review them at the beginning of every meeting. These might be things like …

What’s said in the session stays in the session. As a family, it’s essential to protect each individual’s privacy in therapy.

No interrupting someone when they are speaking. It’s tempting for family members to jump in and interrupt or correct someone. Everyone needs to know that they will be respected and their input is important.

No name-calling or hurtful comments. Siblings fight. It’s unavoidable. And this rule might get broken a time or two. But when it is in place, it sends a clear message that the session’s purpose is not to attack or belittle one person.

…And more. Each family is unique and has different ways of interacting with one another. The ground rules will be unique to your family and help create structure and clear expectations that everyone can follow.

It’s not all about problems! I also want to help your family highlight their strengths. It’s okay and encouraged to talk about family wins and fun times together. I try to incorporate moments of positivity in each session. Let’s get laughing and remember what we love about each other so that when it’s time to talk about the tough stuff, it’s a little easier to get through knowing that we’re all on the same team.

Why is family therapy so important?

Strengthening relationships between family members…

Children, teens, and adults struggle to work through conflict when tension and a lack of connection between individuals exist. If the day-to-day challenges are faced without loving bonds, it’s easy to feel like the kids are not grateful for all that you do for them. And it’s easy for them to feel like you don’t care about anything except their grades, chores, or achievements. Individuals become enemies. Family members “team-up” against others. One person is picked out and said to be causing “ALL the problems.”

But when family members feel respected, appreciated, loved, and connected, they can manage stress more effectively, repair relationships after an argument, and enjoy one another instead of only tolerating being together.

Establishing clear boundaries and structures…

Family stability comes from knowing what is expected of individuals and the group and trusting that routines and structures aren’t going to change unexpectedly. You might think that clear boundaries and structure mean having a system of discipline. But discipline for children is only one piece of the puzzle.

Does everyone in the family know and understand the rules and expectations? Who sets them? How are they followed? What happens when they aren’t? If the answers to these questions aren’t clear, family members might be left guessing how they are supposed to behave and participate in family life.

What about emotional and physical boundaries between one another? Does everyone feel safe and supported? Some families are rough and tumble, hands-on, huggers, with no secrets. Loud and proud. Others may feel better with some space between family members, independence, and specific times for coming together and enjoying each other’s company.

How do the daily routines flow? Are there times built-in for connection and quality time, or are you all living separate lives? Does everyone work together to keep everyday life running smoothly, or are there too many bumps along the way? A daily routine with a degree of flexibility ensures that there’s time in the day to accomplish the family’s goals. If a family never spends time together, it’s a challenge to manage conflict or problems when they do come together because no one’s had practice.

Empowering parents as leaders of the family…

Parents are the leaders of their families. As such, I want to help parents find a balance between being that authority figure, making decisions, raising children, and fostering healthy relationships. After therapy is over, it’s up to the parent to continue to lead the way.

Family roles can get reversed or jumbled. Maybe during a stressful time, you needed to lean on that oldest child to step up to the plate and contribute more by taking on responsibilities like caring for younger siblings. Or, one child has behavioral or emotional issues that you’re sorting out individually, but pouring all attention into one family member has taken its toll on you, and you’ve relaxed some rules or given some decision making over to siblings. It’s okay. These things happen, and at the time, it probably needed to for you to get through a difficult time.

Now is the time to take back that leadership position. I help parents find their voice and leadership skills. Leaders are not compromised by LISTENING. It’s okay for you to listen to your children and teens in therapy sessions when they have something to say about the family rules or structures. It doesn’t mean that you ALWAYS have to bend to their will and change to accommodate them. But they will feel like essential team members when their leader hears what they have to say.

Developing skills for effectively managing conflict and problems…

Families fight. It happens. It’s loud, messy, emotional. That’s family life.

But there are things that each person can do to keep from blowing their tops and losing control. As a family, you can learn some anger and emotion management skills and support each other in using them during stressful times.

Things like deep breathing, taking breaks, using I-statements when communicating, grounding and calming techniques, and repairing relationships or debriefing after a tough time.

Often, children, parents, and teens don’t know what’s going to happen when a touchy subject or an argument comes up. If we can establish plans for how to manage conflict, it becomes less of a mystery. Everyone can trust a little more that it can be managed more effectively when they have a problem.

And we can talk about specific issues IN sessions. If there is a certain topic between two or more people in the family that you just can’t seem to overcome or work through, let’s come together, use the skills we’ve learned, and work on it during a family session. I’ll help to mediate, coach individuals, and remind everyone that we’re working together on a problem and not against one another.

All families are unique, so their experience in therapy will look different…

But let me give you an idea of what it might look like…

I begin family therapy with an hour-long assessment, and all members of the family taking part are present. I will pose questions to the entire family, offering everyone a chance to share their thoughts. I may also ask questions of each member, giving them space and freedom to speak about their unique experience of the family.

Sometimes, sessions might be a conversation about a certain topic. In Maria’s family, it was imperative to understand and define “respect.” The word was used a lot, but the family didn’t understand that each person had a different definition and picture.

Other times, your family might need to collaborate on specific routines and structures that help day-to-day family life flow. If every morning, for example, the entire family is a screaming mess about getting ready for the school and workday, we can make some simple tweaks and changes to get things moving in a better direction.

Each family is unique and has its own specific goals. Together, we’ll talk about those goals right from the beginning and gain a clear picture of what the family hopes they will accomplish together. Each follow-up session will work on and track progress toward those goals.

Significant changes or difficult events in the family might take center stage. Working through the loss of a family member, separation/divorce of parents, a mental health crisis, or other serious issues may be overwhelming and too much for a family to handle without some support and help. Therapy offers the opportunity for safe, controlled conversations around problems and events that have had a life-changing impact on one or every family member.